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How to deal with Insecurity and Self-Consciousness

October 5, 2013

This is probably going to be my most vulnerable article so far, simply because i’m in the process of integrating this myself. I figured i’d lay it all out for me in an article to keep my eye on the bigger picture, and hopefully assist others experiencing something similar.

Feeling loved. It seems to be a common desire after all; feeling loved, feeling like you matter to someone, feeling like someone cares. Who doesn’t love to know that you at least have someone that will always stay by your side, that will love and accept you? For others it’s a need for approval more than affection, for some it’s both. I can understand the wonderful feeling it can create. But as I travel down the rabbit hole of the need to feel loved, I discover a whole other reality resembling nothing but love. In my case, my need for love has been hiding an insecurity that has translated itself into a common issue i’m sure many can relate with: self-consciousness.

My Story

As a child, I was always the weird, “uncool” kid. I was teased and bullied, but I was fine knowing that I had my other “uncool” friends to keep me company. Let’s just say we weren’t the “popular kids,” and that was fine by me – I didn’t care to be. First year of high school though, something changed. My friends deserted me and I ended up alone. They joined the cooler, more “typical teenager” gang, and I simply didn’t fit in. This time, I didn’t have friends to fall back on.

Sure, I could’ve not taken it personally and remained authentic to myself… but I can see now that I was meant to walk down this path to eventually learn the lesson it offered. So I closed myself off, I became very introverted and awkward. Comments were being made about my looks, how pale and too skinny I was, how small and tired my eyes looked… and I started to become aware of the perceptions of what is considered “good-looking” and “ugly”. My innocence has been replaced by the beginning of my conditioning.

I ended up changing from a private school to a public school to start fresh. That year, I decided to reinvent myself. I was tired of being stuck in a feeling of awkwardness in my body, I was tired of walking alone. I started wearing makeup, ‘took care’ of my appearance, got out of my shell, and that’s when the new friends and love interests came. Whether or not changing myself is what attracted others, my brain’s calculation was: Myself wasn’t good enough. I changed myself = I received “love.”

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